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Tuesday, April 12, 2011, by
Sarah Firshein 
As with postulating about the sexual orientation of people, postulating about the sexual orientation of furniture involves a good deal of stereotyping and speculation. Just recently, for example, our cousins over at Curbed NY declared a fiberglass Eames La Chaise "the gayest chair of all time," no doubt because of its coiffed, sculpted, and streamlined physique.
Now there's a guy in Austin who's doing as most guys in Austin do and selling things on Craigslist, like the $100 he's asking for a sofa named Joepha. "I'm pretty sure my couch is gay," he writes, "which in my tolerant household is fine and that's really not the reason I'm selling him—I swear."
Here's the seller's reasoning about Joepha's sexual identity:
Clue #1) He's obsessed with his fitness. Unlike his owner, he's always trying to stay in shape. Granted, he's only three but he's constantly flexing his handsome springs and impressing neighboring couches with his stuffing. Honestly, what heterosexual sofa can reel off his measurements at the drop of a hat? 84 Long (he's really proud of that one), 37 deep, 30 high…I've heard it so many times he's even got me reciting them now. This is embarrassing. Clue #2) Joepha (oh, that's his name—Joepha the sofa) does nothing but bask in the sun. Just look at this golden tan! He maintains this color year round although I suspect I've seen some lowlights during the winter months, he contends it's just to stay neutral and go with everything. Riiiight.
Clue #3) Joepha is no fan of children. He stubbornly refuses to let the little rug rats get near him. I've had discussions with him about his attitude but all I got in return was a Z snapped in my face and a lecture on taking care of my skin. (sigh) Joepha contends children are a menace to his mocha dermis and as such doesn't permit children, drinks, smokers, or pets anywhere near him. To quote him: ghurl, you don't look this good by letting just anyone crawl up on you. (Two things here: number 1, I'm a guy and number 2, for full effect you should whip your neck back and forth, kind of like a cobra, when you read that sentence)
Clue #4) While filing his nails on his big, chocolaty feet, he breezily suggested I change the word handsome to gorgeous in this ad's title. Type up something that suggests a Roche Bobois and then back off that just a hair he added. Yeah, I had to look it up too.
And, finally, despite a strict curfew, Joepha arrived home from last night's Lady Gaga concert at 4AM, promptly texted in sick to work and relegated me to the club chairs until he'd had his “disco nap”.
While we know plenty of straight people who secretly love Gaga and take disco naps, here's the clincher: Joepha "responds well to prolonged exposure to HGTV, OWN and (sigh) anything on Bravo." And finally, the seller emphasizes, the couch is in need of a "good, tolerant, loving home where his new parents will not try to change him."
· High Above the High Line at 245 Tenth Avenue's Shiny Shindig [Curbed NY]
· GORGEOUS HOMOSEXUAL SOFA FOR SALE - $100 [Craigslist Austin via Buzz Feed]
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